The possibility of sensitive material leaving Iran via these routes was a real concern of the control programs.

I knew what these roots were because I had needed to know them for reasons completely opposite to those now leading me to use them.

The irony of this occurred to me on some dark stretch of the road to Zahedan, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or to let it pass in silence.

In Zahedan, on a street near the bazaar, closed at this hour, I found the contact I had mentally stored without ever writing it down.

the kind of information you carry in your memory because putting it on any physical or digital medium represents a risk that training teaches you not to take.

It was a phone number associated with a man who worked in the illegal transportation of people across the Baluchaan border.

I knew him only as an intelligence reference, a facilitator whose movements had been monitored because the routes he used were the same routes that nuclear material could potentially use.

I called from a mobile phone that Parisa had bought with cash in a shop in Shiraz specifically for this purpose.

The kind of operational care that 18 years of life in a classified program instills as a reflex.

The man answered, “I got straight to the point.

Two people, Iranian documents, needed to cross into Pakistan without going through the official posts.

” He asked the price I could pay.

I gave a number.

There was a pause.

He gave a location and a time for the next morning.

We spent the night in the car at a petrol station on the outskirts of Zahedan.

reclined in the seats, taking two-hour shifts, so there was always someone awake.

There wasn’t much to say.

Parisa read a few verses from the New Testament in a low voice from her mobile, the same app she had downloaded two years earlier.

And I listened to her without recognizing most of the passages, but recognizing the language and the rhythm, because it was the same structure of the language of beauty in which the being had spoken to me in the laboratory.

And hearing that in that car parked at that petrol station in Zahedan at 3 in the morning created a continuity between the two moments that quieted me in a way that tiredness alone would not have achieved.

The meeting with the facilitator took place at a rural property outside Zahedan, a cluster of low mud brick buildings with a dirt courtyard where three other groups of people were waiting.

six people in total besides me and Paresa, all with the specific appearance of someone carrying more weight than the backpack on their shoulders.

The facilitator was a man in his early 50s of marked Balo phenotype with the hands of someone who had spent decades working with heavy physical things.

He didn’t ask our names.

We didn’t ask his.

There was a logic of mutual convenience in that silence that everyone on the property seemed to understand without needing instruction.

He gave us a simple instruction.

Stay close to the guide.

Don’t talk more than necessary.

Don’t stop for any reason until you cross.

The crossing took 11 hours.

It began before dawn when the sky was still dark and the stars of the Baloistan desert were denser than anything I had seen in an urban sky.

There was a guide in front, a young man of perhaps 20 who knew that terrain with the kind of intimacy that only comes from having walked it countless times.

And we followed in a line with a few meters spacing between each person.

The terrain was stony with dry bushes that scratched your shins when you passed too close, and there were irregular ascents and descents that after 2 hours of walking had informed my knees that they were not used to it.

Parisa did not complain at any point.

She carried her backpack with that posture of someone who had decided that complaining would be a waste of energy.

There was none to spare.

We crossed the border at a point the guide identified only with a nod of his head.

There was no visible physical mark, no sign, no change in the terrain to tell me we had left Iran and entered Pakistan.

But the guide stopped, turned to the group, said in Farsy with a beluch accent, Pakistan, and pointed ahead.

Then he returned to the Iranian side without further ceremony like someone who has finished their shift and is going home.

I stood for a moment looking at the border I had just crossed.

The same stone, the same dry bush, the same red ground on both sides.

And there was nothing remarkable about that place to justify what I felt.

But Iran was behind me.

The laboratories were behind me.

The 18 years were behind me.

A midday sun was beating down on the back of my neck and Parisa was beside me with her shoulders tense from exhaustion and her moist eyes which she did not let turn into tears and we kept walking.

We arrived in Qua 2 days later in a cargo lorry that the facilitator had arranged for the group for more payment in cash.

The city was larger than I expected and smaller than any Iranian city I knew in terms of visible infrastructure.

Streets with irregular paving, shops with intensely colored facads, the continuous noise of motorbikes without exhausts, the smell of spice and smoke from old cars that seemed to have saturated the very air.

There were posters in Erdo that I couldn’t read.

And the feeling of the environment’s illegibility, not understanding the signs, not recognizing the patterns of people’s movement in the street was a type of disorientation I had not felt before because I had spent my entire adult life in environments where I understood the rules even when the rules were unfair.

We had no specific destination in Queta other than the general idea of finding some kind of Christian network that might receive a converted Iranian.

An idea I had formed from what I knew about support networks for Iranians who had left the country.

Information that existed in the intelligence files I had read over the years about dissident and fugitives.

There were churches in Queda that worked with Iranians.

I knew that.

Where they were located specifically was another question.

On a street near the central bazaar, I stopped a man carrying a Bible under his arm.

The cover was unmistakable, even without reading Erdo, and asked in English, which he spoke with a heavy but clear accent, if he knew of any Christian congregation in the city.

He looked at me for a moment, evaluating, and then said yes, he would give me the address.

The church was a room on the second floor of a commercial building on a side street blocks from the bazaar.

The facade had no external identification, no cross visible from the street, no sign, nothing to indicate to a passer by what was up there.

We went up a narrow staircase with the paint peeling from the walls in several places and came to a wooden door with a small cross nailed at eye level.

I knocked.

The door was opened by a man of perhaps 50, Pakistani, with round glasses and a graying beard starting with the kind of face that has accumulated a lot over time, but without letting the weight harden his features.

He looked at me, looked at Parisa behind me, and said in Farsy, Farsy with an accent but intelligible, “You are Iranian.

” It wasn’t a question.

His name was Ysef.

He had converted from Islam to Christianity 20 years earlier in a journey he described in a brief summary while bringing us tea on a tray with glass cups.

The same thin cups from Chaharba that burn your fingers if you don’t wrap the napkin just right.

And the familiarity of that object in a context so distant from everything I knew created a lump in my throat that took a few seconds to pass.

The church room had perhaps 40 white plastic chairs organized in rows, a simple wooden cross on the front wall and windows with glass that let in light, but not the view of the street.

There were plastic flowers in a concrete window box on the sill, faded pink that had probably been more intense at some point.

We sat down and Yousef listened to us.

When I finished telling our story, he had placed his teacup on the chair beside him and had his hands clasped with his elbows on his knees, his eyes with that moisture of someone who is receiving something that moves him but does not completely surprise him.

Ysef was silent for a moment after I stopped speaking.

Then he said something I have not forgotten.

He said that I was not the first Iranian scientist to walk through his door.

He said this with a calmness that was not boastfulness.

It was a statement of fact.

He said that Jesus was emptying Iran’s laboratories.

He said that he had received engineers, doctors, university professors in recent years.

People who described encounters of different kinds in different circumstances, but with the same core.

Issa presenting himself.

Issa calling them by name.

Issa asking them to leave and move on.

I heard that and thought of Reza from Tabris who had not left.

And I wondered if he had received some kind of call and ignored it or if he simply hadn’t received one at all.

And that question has no answer I can reach and probably never will.

And I have learned to let it exist without needing to resolve it.

Ysef asked if we wanted to be baptized.

He briefly explained what it was, what it meant in the faith he practiced.

Not a long theological explanation, but the practical essence, the declaration that you believe, that you accept, that you enter.

Paresa answered before me.

She said yes.

That she had come to this 2 years earlier and was waiting for the right moment.

She looked at me after saying this.

I replied yes too.

Ysef left the room and returned with a blue plastic basin, the kind used for washing clothes, large enough to fit two arms inside, and a green garden hose that he connected to a tap in a side corridor.

He filled the basin with water that came with the sound of ordinary water, tap temperature, with no ceremony of temperature or addition of anything.

There was a slight smell of rubber from the new hose.

The afternoon sun came through the windows and made the concrete floor shine in horizontal stripes.

Parisa went first.

Ysef asked the questions in Farsy.

Do you believe that Issa is the son of the living God? Do you believe that he died and rose again? Do you accept him as Lord? And she answered yes to all three with the firm voice of someone answering something she had already decided long before being asked.

Ysef wet his hand in the basin and touched her forehead.

Then it was my turn.

I stood before that blue plastic basin with hose water in a room of plastic chairs with a wooden cross on a wall in queta.

And Ysef asked me the same three questions.

And when he got to the third, “Do you accept him as Lord?” I said yes and felt the warmth that had started in my chest inside the Mubarak laboratory expand in a way for which I can find no unit of measurement to describe because the instruments I learned to use my whole life were built to measure other things.

The water touched my forehead and it was cold ordinary water and it was the most extraordinary thing that had touched my skin in 44 years.

And Ysef said in the Farsy of Hes, “Welcome to the kingdom of the son of the living God, Cave,” “Now go and heal with what you know, because he will need you whole.

” What happens when a man who has built weapons his whole life receives a visit he cannot explain? That’s what you’ve just watched.

Tell me in the comments.

Would you believe a story like this or dismiss it as madness? Be honest.

If this testimony has reached you, it was not by chance.

Subscribe to the channel and hit the bell icon now because the next pieces of content are even more disturbing and you can’t afford to miss them.

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It’s simple and makes a huge difference in helping us continue to bring stories that the world tries to silence.

The next video is already waiting for you on the screen.

Until then.

 

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[Music] Today’s testimony is shared with us by Zanob, a young lady whose life has been marked by unimaginable hardship and extraordinary resilience.

Forced into marriage at the tender age of nine, she endured years of brutality as a child bride, condemned to a life of suffering under a cruel imam who despised her very existence.

Her hands now trembling with the weight of memory, bear the scars of a past in which she gave birth to children she could barely raise only to lose them.

Zanob has a powerful message for everyone and I urge you to listen until the end.

This is a testimony of redemption you won’t want to miss.

Listen and be blessed.

My name is Zob.

I am 21 years old.

But when I look in the mirror, I see eyes that have lived a thousand lifetimes.

Sometimes I trace the faint scar above my left eyebrow.

A reminder of a life I escaped.

A life that began ending when I was only 9 years old.

As I sit here in this small, safe room, preparing to share my story with you.

My hands tremble.

Not from fear anymore, but from the weight of memories that still visit me in the quiet hours before dawn.

I want you to know that what I’m about to tell you is true.

Every word, every tear, every moment of darkness, and every glimpse of light.

I share this not for pity, but because somewhere a young girl might be living my yesterday.

And somewhere someone needs to know that there is hope beyond the deepest darkness.

I was born in a suburb outside Damascus, Syria, in a neighborhood where the call to prayer punctuated our days like a heartbeat.

Our house was small, two rooms shared by seven people.

My father worked in a textile factory.

My mother kept house and I was the third of five children, the second daughter.

This detail matters because in my world, daughters were currencies, not children.

My earliest memories smell like jasmine and cardamom, like the tea my mother made every morning before the sun painted the sky pink.

I remember being happy.

I remember laughing.

I remember the weight of my favorite doll, Amamira, with her dark yarn hair that I would braid and rebraid until the strands came loose.

I was 9 years old and my biggest worry was whether my handwriting was neat enough to earn a star from my teacher at school.

The day everything changed started like any other.

It was late spring and the air was heavy with the promise of summer.

I had just come home from school, my hijab slightly a skew from playing tag in the courtyard when I noticed the shoes at our door.

men’s shoes, expensive and polished, not like the worn sandals my father wore.

Inside, I found my parents sitting with a man I recognized but had never spoken to, the imam from our local mosque.

He was 47 years old, though I didn’t know this then.

I only knew that his beard was more gray than black and that his eyes never seemed to blink enough.

My mother’s face was strange, frozen in a expression I couldn’t read.

She gestured for me to sit, but her hand shook as she smoothed her dress.

The imam looked at me and I remember feeling like a piece of fruit at the market being examined for bruises.

My father spoke about arrangements, about honor, about God’s will.

The words floated around me like smoke, shapeless and choking.

I didn’t understand until my mother came to my room that night.

She sat on my small bed and for the first time in my life, I saw her cry without sound, tears sliding down her face while her mouth stayed closed.

She helped me understand in the simplest, most horrible way.

I was to be married.

The imam had chosen me.

It was arranged.

It was done.

My child’s mind couldn’t comprehend what marriage meant.

I knew married women cooked and cleaned, but I already helped my mother with these things.

I knew they lived with their husbands, but surely I was too young to leave home.

When I asked if I could bring Amira, my doll, my mother’s composure finally cracked.

She pulled me so tight against her chest that I could feel her heart racing.

And she whispered something I’ll never forget.

though I didn’t understand it then.

May God forgive us all.

The wedding, if you can call it that, happened two weeks later.

There was no white dress, no flowers, no singing, just papers signed in a room that smelled like old books and men’s cologne.

I wore my best Friday dress, dark blue with small white flowers, and my mother had braided my hair so tight it made my head ache.

The Imam’s other wives were there.

Yes, I was to be his fourth wife.

The youngest of the other three was 28.

And she looked at me with eyes full of something I now recognize as pity mixed with relief.

Relief that it was me, not her daughter.

I remember the ring being placed on my finger, too big, sliding around when I moved my hand.

I remember the prayers, Arabic words washing over me while I stared at a spot on the carpet where someone had spilled tea and left a stain.

I remember my father not meeting my eyes as he handed me over, using words about protection and provision and honor.

But mostly, I remember the moment my mother let go of my hand.

The physical sensation of her fingers sliding away from mine feels burned into my palm.

Even now, 12 years later, the Imam’s house was only 15 minutes from my family’s home by car, but it might as well have been on another planet.

It was larger with a courtyard and separate quarters for each wife.

My room, I was told to call it my room, was small and bare except for a bed, a prayer mat, and a small dresser.

The window looked out onto a wall.

I sat on the bed that first night, still in my wedding dress.

A mirror hidden in the small bag of belongings I’d been allowed to bring.

When the imam came to my room that night, I hid under the bed.

My nine-year-old mind thought if I made myself small enough, invisible enough, maybe this strange game would end and I could go home.

But large hands pulled me out.

And what happened next is something I cannot fully speak about even now.

Some wounds are too deep for words.

What I can tell you is that childhood ended in those moments, replaced by a kind of split existence where my body was present.

But my mind fled somewhere else, somewhere safe, where little girls could still play with dolls and worry about handwriting.

The days that followed blurred together in a routine that felt like drowning in slow motion.

I was woken before dawn for prayers, then sent to help the first wife, um Hassan with breakfast preparations.

She was not unkind, but she was tired, a exhaustion that lived in her bones.

She showed me how to make the imam’s tea just right.

Two sugars stirred counterclockwise, served in the blue glass cup.

She taught me which days he expected, which meals, how to iron his clothes with the creases just so, how to be invisible when his mood was dark.

I was pulled out of school immediately.

The imam said education was wasted on females, that it would only fill my head with dangerous ideas.

The loss of school felt almost as violent as everything else.

I loved learning.

Loved the order of numbers.

The way letters became words became stories.

Now my days were measured in tasks.

Washing, cleaning, cooking, serving, enduring.

The other wives operated in a strict hierarchy.

Um Hassan, the first wife, managed the household.

She had given the imam three sons, securing her position.

The second wife, Om Khaled, had produced two sons and a daughter.

She spent most of her time in prayer, her lips constantly moving in silent supplication.

The third wife, Zara, was beautiful and bitter.

She had no children after 5 years of marriage.

And this failure hung around her like a shroud.

She was the crulest to me, perhaps seeing in my youth everything she had lost.

I learned to navigate their moods like a sailor reads weather.

Um, Hassan’s kindness came in small gestures.

An extra piece of bread slipped onto my plate.

A lighter load of washing on days when the bruises were fresh.

Um, Khaled ignored me mostly, lost in her own world of prayer and resignation.

But Zara would pinch me when no one was looking.

tell me I was ugly, stupid, worthless.

She would spoil food and blame me, ensuring I face the Imam’s anger.

The Imam’s anger was a living thing in that house.

It could be triggered by anything.

Tea too hot or too cold, a crease in his shirt, a baby crying during his afternoon rest, dust on his books, the wrong verse recited during evening prayers.

When angry, he would quote scripture about obedience, about discipline, about a husband’s rights and a wife’s duties.

His hands were large and heavy, and he knew how to hurt without leaving marks that others would see.

But sometimes he didn’t care about hiding it.

The scar above my eyebrow came from a day when I accidentally broke his favorite tea glass.

The edge of his ring split the skin and blood ran into my eye, turning the world red.

I tried to run away once, about 3 months after the marriage.

I waited until everyone was asleep and crept out barefoot to avoid making noise.

I made it to my family’s house just as dawn was breaking.

My father answered the door, saw me standing there in my night dress, saw the bruises on my arms, the desperation in my eyes.

For a moment, just a moment, his face softened.

Then he looked behind me, saw the imam’s car approaching, and his face became stone.

He handed me back like a piece of lost property.

The punishment for running was 7 days locked in a storage room with only water and bread.

In the darkness of that room, I learned that hope could be more painful than despair.

Hope made you try.

Made you believe things could change.

Despair at least was honest.

By the time they let me out, something in me had shifted.

I stopped looking out windows.

I stopped crying.

I became what they wanted, a ghost of a girl moving through the motions of living without actually being alive.

My mother was allowed to visit once a month, always supervised.

She would bring small treats, sesame cookies, dried apricots, and news from home.

My younger sister had started school.

My baby brother was walking.

Life was continuing without me.

During one visit, when I was almost 10, she saw fingershaped bruises on my neck.

I watched her face crumble and rebuild itself in the span of seconds.

She took my face in her hands and said words that haunted me for years.

This is your test from God.

Be patient.

Be obedient.

Your reward will come in paradise.

But what paradise was worth this hell? what God demanded the suffering of children as proof of faith.

I found ways to survive.

I created a world in my mind where I was still nine, still in school, still learning multiplication tables and Arabic poetry.

When the imam came to my room, I would recite geography lessons in my head.

Damascus is the capital of Syria.

The Euphrates River flows through the eastern part of the country.

The Mediterranean Sea borders us to the west.

Facts became anchors, keeping some part of me tethered to who I had been.

I hid a mirror, my doll, beneath a loose floorboard in my room.

Sometimes when I was alone, I would take her out and whisper to her.

I told her about my days, about the books I would read someday, about the places we would travel.

She became my confessor, my companion, the keeper of the child I was supposed to be.

Her yarn hair grew more frayed from my constant handling, but she remained steady, unchanging, safe.

The season cycled through, marked more by religious observances than weather.

Ramadan was especially difficult.

Fasting from dawn to sunset, then serving elaborate ifar meals while my own stomach cramped with hunger.

The imam would eat first, then his sons, then the wives in order of seniority.

By the time I was allowed to eat, the food was often cold, and Zara would ensure my portions were smallest.

I’ should have been joyful, but celebration in that house was performance.

New clothes that felt like costumes, forced smiles for visiting relatives who pretended not to notice how young I was, how hollow my eyes had become.

Some of the women would pat my head and tell me how blessed I was to be married to such a pious man.

I wanted to scream that piety and cruelty should not share the same bed.

But I had learned that silence was safer than truth.

One day I overheard Umhasan talking to her sister.

They didn’t know I was listening from behind the kitchen door.

Her sister asked how she could bear it.

Having a child for a co-wife.

Um Hassan’s response was simple and devastating.

We all were children once.

This is how it has always been.

This is how it will always be.

But even then, even in my darkest moments, some small part of me refused to accept this.

Maybe it was the memory of my teacher showing us a globe, telling us about places where girls grew up to be doctors, teachers, leaders.

Maybe it was the books I had read before they were taken from me.

stories where heroes overcame impossible odds.

Or maybe it was just a stubborn spark that exists in every human spirit.

The part that refuses to be completely extinguished no matter how many tried to snuff it out.

As my 10th birthday approached, though no one would celebrate it, I had been the imam’s wife for nearly a year.

I had learned to cook elaborate meals I was too anxious to eat.

I could recite lengthy prayers I no longer believed were heard.

I knew which cleaning products removed blood from fabric, how long bruises took to fade from purple to yellow to nothing, how to smile when relatives visited, and asked why such a blessed wife had not yet become pregnant.

The pregnancy questions were their own source of terror.

The other wives whispered about my duty to provide children, about how the Imam’s patience wouldn’t last forever.

But my body was still a child’s body, no matter what had been done to it.

Each month that passed without pregnancy was both a relief and a source of mounting dread.

I didn’t understand then what I know now.

That my body was protecting itself, refusing to create life in a place where childhood was being systematically destroyed.

The imam began taking me to different doctors.

Convinced something was wrong with me.

Each examination was another violation.

Another stranger’s hands on a body I had learned to vacate.

The doctors would speak to him, not to me, discussing my body as if I wasn’t there.

One younger doctor, I remember, looked directly at me with something like horror in his eyes when he realized my age, but he said nothing.

No one ever said anything.

It was around this time that the nightmares began.

I would dream of drowning in fabric, suffocating under the weight of a wedding dress that grew larger and heavier until it swallowed me whole.

I dreamed of my voice being pulled from my throat like thread, leaving me unable to scream.

I dreamed of turning into stone, starting from my feet and working upward until even my thoughts became frozen.

I would wake gasping, disoriented, sometimes not remembering where I was until the call to prayer reminded me.

The worst part wasn’t the physical pain or the loss of childhood.

It was the slow erosion of self, the way I began to forget who I had been before.

I would try to remember my teacher’s name and draw a blank.

I couldn’t recall the taste of my mother’s soup without the overlay of fear.

Even happy memories became tainted, viewed through the lens of knowing how they would end.

But I held on to small things.

The way sunlight looked through the kitchen window at exactly 300 p.

m.

The smell of jasmine that sometimes drifted over the courtyard wall.

The sound of children playing in the distance.

Their laughter carrying on the wind like messages from another world.

These fragments became precious, proof that beauty still existed somewhere, even if I could only observe it from afar.

As that first year came to an end, as summer prepared to turn to fall, I felt myself splitting into multiple selves.

There was the body that moved through daily tasks.

There was the voice that responded when spoken to.

There was the face that arranged itself into appropriate expressions.

And somewhere buried deep was the real me.

The one who still believed this couldn’t be all there was.

That somewhere beyond these walls, life was waiting.

I didn’t know then that things would get worse before they got better.

I didn’t know about the pregnancies that would come, the children I would bear before my body was ready, the divorce that would leave me with nothing, or the faith that would eventually save me.

All I knew was that I was 10 years old, and I had already learned more about suffering than any child should know.

Sometimes now when I see girls the age I was then with their backpacks and braided hair and innocent laughter, I have to turn away.

Not from anger or pain, but from a grief so profound it feels like drowning.

They are what I should have been.

They are walking, laughing, living reminders of the childhood that was stolen from me.

But I also look at them with hope because they are free in ways I wasn’t.

They are proof that the world can be different.

That Hassan was wrong.

This is not how it has always been.

And this is not how it must always be.

Change is possible.

Escape is possible.

Healing is possible.

As I prepare to tell you about the years that followed, about becoming a mother while still a child myself, I want you to understand that the 9-year-old girl who hid under the bed that first night never really left.

She’s still here, still part of me.

But now, instead of hiding, she stands in the light.

Instead of silence, she speaks.

Instead of fear, she chooses faith.

Not the faith that was forced upon her, but the faith she found in the darkest moments.

The faith that promised that suffering was not the end of the story.

This is only the beginning of my testimony.

The road ahead in my story is long and painful, but I promise you there is light at the end.

There is redemption.

There is a love greater than any darkness.

But first, I must tell you about the babies.

About becoming a mother at 12.

About nearly dying to bring life into a world that had shown me so little kindness.

About loving children I didn’t know how to raise.

About protecting them even when I couldn’t protect myself.

That little girl with a doll named Amamira thought her story was ending when she was 9 years old.

She was wrong.

It was only beginning.

And though the chapters that followed were written in pain, the ending, oh, the ending was written in glory.

The human body is remarkable in its ability to adapt to the unthinkable.

By the time I turned 11, my hands had stopped shaking when I served tea.

My feet had memorized every creaking board in the house.

Knowing which ones to avoid when trying to move silently, my body had learned to make itself small, to occupy the least amount of space possible.

But there were some things my body could not adapt to, some changes that would mark me forever.

I first realized something was different when the morning sickness began.

I didn’t know to call it that then.

I only knew that the smell of cooking oil, which had never bothered me before, suddenly sent me running to vomit.

Um, Hassan found me one morning heaving into the kitchen sink, my thin body shaking with the effort.

She placed a hand on my forehead, then on my stomach, and her face went very still.

She knew before I did.

The confirmation came from the same doctor who had examined me months earlier.

The young one with horror in his eyes.

This time he couldn’t hide his expression.

He spoke to the imam in medical terms I didn’t understand, but I caught fragments.

Too young, high risk, complications likely.

The Imam waved away his concerns.

This was God’s will.

He said God would protect what he had ordained.

But would God protect an 11-year-old girl whose body was barely beginning to understand itself, let alone capable of creating another life? The pregnancy was a special kind of torture.

My body, already small and underdeveloped, struggled against the growing life inside it.

I was hungry all the time, but could keep nothing down.

My bones achd in ways that made me feel ancient.

I would catch glimpses of myself in mirrors and not recognize the swollen, pale creature looking back.

The other wives treated me differently now.

I had proven my worth, my functionality.

But their kindness felt hollow when I could barely stand from exhaustion.

Um, Hassan took charge of my care with a efficiency born from experience.

She made me special tees that helped with the nausea, showed me exercises to help with the back pain, rubbed my swollen feet when they became too painful to walk on.

During one of these sessions, as she worked oil into my stretched skin, she told me quietly that she had been 14 when she had her first child.

At least I had begun my monthly bleeding, she said, not meeting my eyes.

At least my body had started to become a woman’s body.

The unspoken hung between us.

Mine had not.

The imam treated my pregnancy as his personal victory.

He would parade me in front of visitors, his young, fertile wife, proof of his verility, despite his age.

I would sit there, hands folded over my growing belly, while men congratulated him, and women looked at me with expressions I couldn’t decipher.

Some seemed pitying, others envious, most simply uncomfortable.

Nobody asked how I felt.

Nobody wondered if I was afraid.

I was terrified.

As the months passed and my belly grew, the baby’s movements became stronger.

The first time I felt it, a flutter like a trapped bird, I thought something was wrong.

But then it happened again and again until I realized this was the life inside me making itself known.

It should have been a moment of wonder.

But all I felt was invaded.

My body, which had already been taken from me in so many ways, now house another being I hadn’t chosen to create.

Sleep became impossible.

I couldn’t lie on my back because the weight pressed on something that made me dizzy.

I couldn’t lie on my stomach for obvious reasons.

My sides achd no matter which one I chose.

I would prop myself up with cushions, half sitting, half lying, drifting in and out of exhausted half sleep.

In those dark hours, I would whisper to the baby, not words of love, but questions.

Who are you? What will you become? Will you hate me for bringing you into this world? The traditional midwife Amrashe began visiting in my eighth month.

She was ancient with hands like leather and eyes that had seen everything.

She examined me with those rough hands and made clicking sounds with her tongue.

Too small, she told Um Hassan when she thought I couldn’t hear.

The baby is too big and she is too small.

She left herbs and instructions for tea that would prepare the body.

But I could see the doubt in her eyes.

When the labor began, I thought I was dying.

It started as pressure in my lower back, then spread like fire around my middle.

I had seen cats give birth in the alleys behind our old house, had watched them pant and strain, but I had also seen them curl around their kittens afterward, purring with satisfaction.

I felt no instinct except fear, no knowledge except pain.

For 3 days, my body fought against itself.

The contractions would build to a crescendo that made me scream into pillows, then fade to a dull ache that never quite disappeared.

Um, Rasheed came and went, each time looking more concerned.

The imam paced outside, angry at the inconvenience, at the noise, at the disruption to his ordered household.

He never once came to see me.

Um, Hassan stayed by my side, feeding me sips of water, wiping sweat from my face during one particularly bad contraction.

When I begged her to make it stop, she gripped my hand and said, “You are stronger than you know.

We women always are.

” But I didn’t feel strong.

I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside.

The second wife, Om Khaled, prayed constantly in the corner, her prayer beads clicking in rhythm with my contractions.

Zara appeared once, looked at my writhing body, and said, “Now you know what it means to be a woman, as if this suffering was a right of passage, a necessary evil to be endured rather than a tragedy that should never have happened.

On the third day when my strength was nearly gone, Umrashe made a decision.

She sent for her daughter who had some modern medical training.

Between them, they managed what Umrashid alone could not.

But the baby was stuck, turned wrong, and every push felt like it was ripping me in half.

I remember the exact moment I gave up when I stopped pushing and decided it would be easier to die.

Um, Hassan must have seen it in my eyes because she grabbed my face and forced me to look at her.

Not yet, she said fiercely.

You don’t get to leave yet.

When the baby finally came, it was in a rush of blood that wouldn’t stop.

I heard him cry, a sound that should have been triumphant, but seemed thin and angry to my exhausted ears.

They placed him on my chest for a moment.

This red, wrinkled creature covered in white paste and my blood.

I looked at him and felt nothing.

No rush of love, no maternal instinct, just a hollow exhaustion and the growing cold that came with blood loss.

The hemorrhaging was severe.

Um, Rashid and her daughter worked frantically, packing me with cloths, massaging my stomach to encourage the womb to contract.

Someone gave me something bitter to drink that made the room spin.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, sometimes aware of the baby crying, sometimes floating in a space that was neither life nor death.

I survived though for days afterward.

I wondered if that was a blessing or a curse.

The baby, they named him Hassan after the Imam’s father, was given to Om Hassan to nurse as my body could barely produce milk.

I was too weak to protest, too broken to care.

I lay in bed, bleeding still but slowly now, and stared at the ceiling where a water stain looked like a bird in flight.

Recovery was slow and incomplete.

Things inside me had torn that would never properly heal.

I walked differently now, slowly, carefully, like an old woman.

The doctor was called again, and this time his conversation with the imam was heated.

I heard fragments.

Permanent damage should not happen again.

Criminal to allow.

The Imam’s response was predictable.

God’s will supersedes medical opinion.

When I was finally strong enough to hold Hassan properly, I studied his face for signs of myself.

But he looked like his father.

The same broad forehead, the same thin lips.

Only his eyes, dark and questioning, seemed to hold something of me.

I tried to feel what mothers were supposed to feel.

I tried to summon love for this creature who had nearly killed me coming into the world.

But all I could manage was a protective pity.

He hadn’t asked to be born any more than I had asked to bear him.

The Imam celebrated the birth of his son with a feast.

Men came to congratulate him on his verility, on his young wife’s success.

I was displayed briefly, pale and weak, holding the baby like a prop in a play I didn’t understand.

Then I was dismissed back to my room where I could hear the celebration continuing without me.

The man who had planted this seed in my child’s body was praised, while I, who had nearly died bringing it to bloom, was forgotten.

Caring for Hassan was beyond my capability, but it was expected nonetheless.

I fumbled with diapers, my child’s hands, trying to clean another child.

His cries at night sent panic through me.

I didn’t know how to soothe him, how to understand what he needed.

Um, Hassan often took over her experience making up for my ignorance.

But the imam insisted the baby sleep in my room.

Said it would help me learn to be a proper mother.

Those nights were the loneliest of my life.

I would sit in the darkness, this crying bundle in my arms, and wonder how this had become my existence.

12 years old, holding my son in a house that was not a home, married to a man who saw me as property.

I would think of girls my age asleep in their childhood beds, dreaming of school and friends and futures that belong to them.

The contrast was so sharp it felt like being cut.

My body had barely begun to heal when the imam resumed his visits to my room.

The doctor had said to wait, had warned of dangers, but the imam quoted verses about a wife’s duty and ignored my tears.

Um, Hassan found me bleeding again one morning and quietly helped me clean up, her face grim.

Men do not understand, she said.

They never do.

When Hassan was 6 months old, I realized I was pregnant again.

This pregnancy was different from the first, worse in its familiarity.

My body, still recovering from the trauma of Hassan’s birth, protested violently.

I bled frequently, sharp pains shooting through my abdomen.

Um, Rasheed visited more often, each time looking graver.

She spoke of babies born too soon, of mothers whose bodies simply gave out.

But the imam forbade any talk of ending the pregnancy.

This was God’s blessing, he insisted.

To refuse it would be sin.

I carried the second child in a haze of exhaustion and pain.

Hassan still needed care I could barely provide, and my growing belly made even simple tasks monumental.

I would sit on the floor to play with him, then be unable to get up without help.

My back achd constantly, and my legs swelled so badly that walking became agony.

13 years old and feeling like my body was failing me completely.

The other wives helped more this time.

Perhaps seeing how close to breaking I was.

Even Zara, still bitter about her own childlessness, would sometimes take Hassan so I could rest.

But rest was relative when your body is fighting a battle it’s too young to win.

The second birth came early as Omar Shid had predicted.

7 months and suddenly I was gripped by pains that made the first labor seem gentle.

This time there was no 3-day buildup.

The baby wanted out and my body, too damaged to resist, complied.

She came in a rush of fluid and blood so small she fit in Um Rasheed’s palm.

She didn’t cry at first, and the silence was terrible.

They worked on her for what felt like hours, but was probably minutes.

Finally, a weak mule, more kitten than human.

She was purple and struggling, her lungs not ready for air.

Um, Rashid’s daughter said she needed a hospital, needed machines to help her breathe.

The imam refused.

If God meant for her to live, she would live.

She lived three days.

I held her for those three days.

This tiny girl who looked more like a baby bird than a baby human.

Her skin was translucent, showing the map of veins beneath.

Her fingers were impossibly small with nails like rice grains.

She would open her mouth like she was trying to cry, but only the smallest sounds emerged.

I called her Amira in my mind after my doll though the Imam named her Fatima.

When she stopped breathing on the third night, I was alone with her.

I watched her tiny chest still.

Her purple lips part slightly, her perfect miniature hands relax.

I should have called for help, but I didn’t.

I sat there in the darkness holding her cooling body and felt something inside me break that would never fully mend.

When Um Hassan found us in the morning, she had to pry a mirror from my arms.

The burial was quick, efficient, a small wrapped bundle in a small hole.

The Imam led prayers while I stood silent, Hassan on my hip, feeling nothing and everything simultaneously.

Some of the women cried.

I couldn’t.

My tears had dried up somewhere between her birth and death, leaving only a salt burned emptiness behind.

After Air Amira, something in the imam changed toward me.

Perhaps I had proven defective in some way.

Or perhaps he’s simply tired of my youth and sadness.

His visits to my room became less frequent, though no less violent when they occurred.

I was grateful for the reprieve even as I knew it meant my value in his eyes was diminishing.

Hassan grew despite my inadequacy as a mother.

He learned to crawl then walk then run.

His first word wasn’t mama but um directed at Hassan who had become more his mother than I ever could be.

I felt relief rather than jealousy.

He was safer with her, better cared for.

I could love him better from a distance where my brokenness couldn’t infect him.

Just before my 15th birthday, a date that passed unagnowledged by anyone, including myself, I discovered I was pregnant for the third time.

The familiar nausea, the exhaustion, the sense of my body being hijacked once again.

But this time, there was a dull acceptance.

This was my life now.

This was all it would ever be.

The third pregnancy was easier physically but harder emotionally.

I had learned to disconnect from my body almost entirely.

To observe its changes like a scientist studying a specimen.

My belly grew.

The baby moved.

My body prepared for another trauma it would somehow survive.

Um, Rasheed checked on me regularly, always with that same concerned expression, but said little.

This baby came on time after a labor that was mercifully shorter than the first.

Another boy, healthy and loud.

The imam named him Khaled.

I held him, nursed him when my body cooperated, changed him, soothed him.

But the maternal feelings everyone expected never came.

I cared for my children like I completed my other household duties mechanically, efficiently, emptily.

By the time I was 16, I had Hassan who was four and Khaled who was one.

My body had been permanently altered by pregnancies it had been too young to bear.

I walked with a slight limp from hips that had separated wrong.

My stomach stretched and scarred would never be flat again.

I had lost several teeth from the pregnancies leeching calcium my young body needed.

I looked in mirrors and saw a stranger wearing my face, age beyond recognition.

The fourth pregnancy came when Khaled was barely walking.

This time I knew before any symptoms appeared.

I had become so attuned to my body’s betrayals that I could feel the moment of conception like a door closing.

The pregnancy progressed normally.

If anything about a 16-year-old’s fourth pregnancy could be called normal.

Um Rasheed just shook her head when she examined me, muttering prayers under her breath.

This baby, another girl, came easily compared to the others.

She slipped into the world with minimal fuss, pink and healthy.

The imam named her Mariam when they placed her on my chest.

I looked into her dark eyes and saw myself reflected.

Not the broken woman I had become, but the girl I had been.

For the first time since Hassan’s birth, I felt something crack in the wall I had built around my heart.

But that crack was dangerous.

To love in that house was to invite pain.

I had learned this lesson through bruises and blood.

So I sealed it up, tended to marry him with the same mechanical care I gave the boys, and tried not to think about what kind of future awaited her in a world where 9-year-old girls could become wives.

Three children by 17.

My body had become a factory for the Imam’s legacy, producing heirs at the cost of my own dissolution.

The other wives looked at me with a mixture of pity and relief.

I had fulfilled the function they could not or would not.

Bearing the burden of continuation for the entire household, Hassan grew to be serious and quiet, already learning the ways of his father.

Khaled was wilder, more prone to tantrums that earned him beatings from the Imam.

Mariam was watchful, those dark eyes taking in everything.

I loved them in the only way I knew how.

By trying to shield them from the worst of their father’s anger.

By teaching them to be quiet when he was home.

By showing them how to become invisible when necessary.

But even as I protected them, I knew I was failing them.

How could I teach them about love when I had forgotten what it felt like? How could I show them joy when I had none to give? I was 17 years old with three living children and one dead and I felt like I had nothing left to offer anyone.

The worst moments came when Mariam would cry in the night and I would hold her knowing that in this world, in this house, being born female was already a sentence.

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